Balance

I have the chili in the crock pot and just put the kids down for an afternoon nap. It's pretty quiet right now. I'm sitting here just thinking, reflecting and enjoying this moment. It's a bit of a relief. Saying goodbye to 2009. I sense a collective sigh around me from pretty much everyone I know to be closing out this tumultuous year. I am hopeful for a shift in the positive direction and am recognizing a feeling in my spirit that has been gone for a while-- Excitement. Hope. Peace. I'm pretty sure it's one of those or a combination of the three.

Having a new, fresh start.

The last couple weeks have been strange. The time away from the hustle and bustle of working non-stop has made me feel again. I think I had become a little numb to "feeling my feelings" whatever they were at that moment. I was in the whole "get through it, move on, feel later" mode. Being told by your attorney that you HAVE to stay home and not work for a month and a half was like someone putting on the emergency break while zipping down the highway at 80 miles an hour. Say WHAAAAT? I sensed a bit of panic in myself as I thought about my days, the finances, and just about everything else that makes one freak out when they're told that their dual income household must be cut in half starting immediately. But we did it. And I think I'm better for it.

A little secret.

I'm a little scared of what it will be like going back to work. I feel good right now and I'm worried that I'll get out of whack again. Now, don't get me wrong, I miss having an outside job (you know, adult conversation, coffee while brainstorming on an exciting project, etc), as I've also learned that I'm not the hottest at being a stay at home mom. I try to be creative, but the truth is I'm as creative as the directions on the play dough box help me to be. I'm just not that great at thinking of forts or painting dishwasher boxes into a pirate ship. We read, we laugh, we play Mickey Mouse card games, and for right now, that's probably enough for the boys. So I do have a sense that while this time was wonderful (especially since it was in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas) that it will be okay that it's coming to an end. I guess I'm just hoping to keep it all balanced. Something I've never been that great at accomplishing. Ok. I just changed the title of this entry. That's what I feel. That's the combination of those three words for me--excitement, hope, peace = balance. And tonight when we toast our Mug root beer to the New Year, that's what I'll be hoping for.

Basic Economics

Just popped outside and asked the boys what they were up to...and they said with gusto "Selling Pizza, Mom. Want some?" My entrepreneurial heart swelled with pride as I heartily said "yes, please." Logan informed me that the pizza was Five Dollars. (a fair profit margin for hand-made love on a plate) I handed him the "money" (a couple of crusty rocks) and he handed me back a big slice of "cheese pizza" (a couple of crusty rocks). They then informed me that the dogs also wanted some pizza, but that they were making a mess and proceeded to show me all the pizza on the ground. (about 50 crusty rocks) I told them that the dogs clearly don't understand the value of a dollar. They both looked at me, gave me a blank stare, then went back to yelling "PEEEEEE-TZA for Sale" at the top of their lungs. Ahhhhh....capitalism at its best.

Santa's Little Helper

This is the most pathetic face, isn't it? Look at that mush...perfectly boxery in every way. This is Shay Shay, now called "JayJay" as Logan said that Shay Shay is too girlie for this masculine boy. So JayJay it is. This guy came to the rescue in BAAAd shape. When I say bad...I mean the kind of bad you don't wish on anyone. Sigh...ok I told myself I absolutely WOULD NOT post this pic (i'll post it small so you don't fall out of your chair), but I have to so you can REALLY grasp what the scoop is on this sweetie and what Boxer Luv did to help him. He had a...well...um...a problem with his...anus. He had a prolapsed rectum. Trent saw this poor boy, with the sweetest disposition, and couldn't turn him away. Two surgeries later, one to fix said hole and one to remove his manliness, and we're good to go. Except he needs to chow on some GROCERIES, skinny boy! Hence, his trip to casa Rogers. We can get anyone to from thin to chunk in record time! ;)

Thanksgiving at Christmas

On nights like tonight, when everyone is cozy in their bed...including my dogs on my side of the bed (ah hem) I feel a particular itch. An itch to get something out that's particularly on my mind. And tonight, as I went into Logan's room and flipped the blanket over his police officer-clad body, and walked past my door to hear Dan's low, deep breathing, and peeked in to see my baby Kale snuggled into his blankie and Mister Moose (say it Mith-ter Mooooth) I feel such a deep feeling of gratefulness that I have to get it out.

I am thinking about the last year. I'm remembering how in April I wondered about today. About the week before Christmas. I knew that because of my work situation that we would probably not be in this house and wondered if the decorations would look okay on the new rental and if we would have money to get the kids something worth saying it was from Santa. I thought about what Christmas would be like in a place that wasn't ours, but told myself that whatever happened, we were a family and we would be okay. And then I turned around and it's here. Today is a week from Christmas and everyone is in their beds, peaceful, content, and loved. And I am so very thankful. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost some faith. I read blogs and notes and would see the faith and hope that others had and would feel jealous and wish I could really believe. How is it that when I have been so faithless that I've still been cared for? I still feel lost, but I know this: I am thankful for everything and I am taking a breath and passing along this prayer of thanks to the One who made it miraculously happen.

Lucky number 5

We have two additions to our family this week. Meet Casper & Porky. Soon to be named Bruiser or Maxx or Murphey or Chance or some other names as the given ones are strange and not nearly as cute as these mush faces are.

It's especially exciting for Dan & I as it's been a while since we've had some fosters in our home. About 2 years to be exact. Now that our own little bruiser (kale) is getting bigger, we feel like we can begin this adventure of rehabilitating these cuties and finding them homes, once again. And it's rewarding. Oh so rewarding...So stay tuned...more to come!

The Season

So I am thinking this is the season for change! So much has changed recently. The biggest one is that we have closed the store, which although it has been a change for everyone, has been poignantly profound for me. I guess thinking about where my life was headed and picturing myself in that role for years and now having that chapter slam shut is, well, hard to handle. Am I still the same person? Yes. And No. Does changing your goals or aspirations change who you are? Yes. And No. Does it mean I was wrong in making that goal? Yes? No? I don't know...I'm a little lost on all of this if you can't tell. Then I'm thinking does any of that matter?

Right now I know the following: I love my husband who has been a solid, supportive, sweetheart of a man to me through all of this. I adore my two boys who have had me laughing every day the last 4 years. I am rich in all of the support I have from my amazing mom, sister & dad. I still have a passion for Boxer Luv, and I thought maybe I had started to lose some of it. I have wonderful friends who will brave the chill and come cheer for me on a journey I didn't think I could do. I have learned that having a day of "nothing to do" is not only OKAY to have once in a while, but is necessary. I realized that deep in my heart I love having a cup of home brewed coffee in the morning--it just feels RIGHT. I recognized that I love to write and feel a longing for it when I haven't done it for a while. So I'm going to try to be better and do it more often.

Change....not such a bad thing, I guess.