Balance

I have the chili in the crock pot and just put the kids down for an afternoon nap. It's pretty quiet right now. I'm sitting here just thinking, reflecting and enjoying this moment. It's a bit of a relief. Saying goodbye to 2009. I sense a collective sigh around me from pretty much everyone I know to be closing out this tumultuous year. I am hopeful for a shift in the positive direction and am recognizing a feeling in my spirit that has been gone for a while-- Excitement. Hope. Peace. I'm pretty sure it's one of those or a combination of the three.

Having a new, fresh start.

The last couple weeks have been strange. The time away from the hustle and bustle of working non-stop has made me feel again. I think I had become a little numb to "feeling my feelings" whatever they were at that moment. I was in the whole "get through it, move on, feel later" mode. Being told by your attorney that you HAVE to stay home and not work for a month and a half was like someone putting on the emergency break while zipping down the highway at 80 miles an hour. Say WHAAAAT? I sensed a bit of panic in myself as I thought about my days, the finances, and just about everything else that makes one freak out when they're told that their dual income household must be cut in half starting immediately. But we did it. And I think I'm better for it.

A little secret.

I'm a little scared of what it will be like going back to work. I feel good right now and I'm worried that I'll get out of whack again. Now, don't get me wrong, I miss having an outside job (you know, adult conversation, coffee while brainstorming on an exciting project, etc), as I've also learned that I'm not the hottest at being a stay at home mom. I try to be creative, but the truth is I'm as creative as the directions on the play dough box help me to be. I'm just not that great at thinking of forts or painting dishwasher boxes into a pirate ship. We read, we laugh, we play Mickey Mouse card games, and for right now, that's probably enough for the boys. So I do have a sense that while this time was wonderful (especially since it was in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas) that it will be okay that it's coming to an end. I guess I'm just hoping to keep it all balanced. Something I've never been that great at accomplishing. Ok. I just changed the title of this entry. That's what I feel. That's the combination of those three words for me--excitement, hope, peace = balance. And tonight when we toast our Mug root beer to the New Year, that's what I'll be hoping for.